Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Lol

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

lol

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.