I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
![]()
You Might Also Like
This anagram machine is out of order.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank