Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This anagram machine is out of order.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank