I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.