I need to update my racial profile.
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Fight
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭