I need to update my racial profile.
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Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I love wikipedia
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Word!
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg