I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
S O O N
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.