” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow