I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
happy mother’s day❤️
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’