I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
#DesignFail
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back