I needed a laugh this morning.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Not today
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating