I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m being attacked 😭
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.