I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane