I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods