I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.