I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
black phone good
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.