I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.