I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?