I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!