I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me