I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator