I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….