RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The Golden Globe goes to…
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”