@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

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@FatherWithTwins

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

@OBiiieeee

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

@rusty_coach

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@impaulmccoy

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

@murrman5

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER