I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes