I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
this is literally a CIA plant
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.