I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.