I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Labreador
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.