I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s