I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.