I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.