I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Pigeon open mic night.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.