I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Here’s a meme
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Lucky old June.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.