I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.