I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.