I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*