I never needed anything more in my life

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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?


I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.


“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said


what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.


My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age


I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store


Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed


Jim Carrey: all righty then