@ChicksRule

I never needed anything more in my life

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@ItalianBratikus

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

@Storminika

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

@Versacheetos

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

@fabulouscop

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

@dorsalstream

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

@really10months

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

@fro_vo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then