I never needed anything more in my life
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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Happy Taco Tuesday
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
It do be feeling this way.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”