I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Wise advice
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
🤣🤣🤣
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!