I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Get your ski mask. We鈥檙e pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
It鈥檚 frankly disgusting that it鈥檚 illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it鈥檚 my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT鈥橲 MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Friend: Isn鈥檛 it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test