I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school