I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”