Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste