I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
a public service announcement
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic