I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”