I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
You Might Also Like
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.