I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.


The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.


[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?


For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.


Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.


I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.


I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.


son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]


If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.