@GrahamKritzer

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

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@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@UNDEADTRESOR

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

@iamlaurasaurus

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

@its_P_bitches

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

@GrantTanaka

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

@envydatropic

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.