I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars