@jp_jordan Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
@GrahamKritzer I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
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@jp_jordan 
@david8hughes If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
@TheTweetOfGod The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
@UNDEADTRESOR [meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
@iamlaurasaurus For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
@badbanana I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
@its_P_bitches I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
@GrantTanaka son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
@envydatropic If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.