I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.