I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter