I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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I’m good, thanks.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?