I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
This sounds bad:
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
waiting for halloween be like:
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.