‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.