‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.


I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.


My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.


if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more


My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.


The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.


*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough


He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.


*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*