I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.