I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
This guy’s not having it 😆
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.