I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
i spent way too long on this
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?