I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
You Might Also Like
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”