I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I am, perchance
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
SPLOOT
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I feel this so hard
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day